I think it’s time that I reevaluate my stance on marriage.
For those of you new to my blog, I was married once & the marriage was never happy or healthy. It was eight years of fighting, adultery, abuse, neglect. We had three great kids & I learned a lot but I also learned that marriage means a loss of identity. A loss of sense of self. A loss of independence. I once changed my mind, but it blew up in my face & I was so broken hearted that I closed off the idea of dating anyone ever again. I couldn’t bear the thought of being with anyone, partly because I never stopped loving the man who left me alone & I wanted to build a life on my own, with no mate & prove to my daughters that I am sooooo bad ass.
I don’t want to get married again. It’s a big fat waste of time. I don’t want a wedding where I entertain relatives that I barely like. Why? Because the only person who needs to know what kind of wife I’ll be is my husband. I don’t want to ever feel like the simpering sycophant wife that I used to be. I know that my partner loves me for all of my bad assery, but I’m afraid that once we say “I do,” he could turn into this horrible person who is capable of hurting me. But how do you tell the person who you love & trust most that this is why you can’t think about it, because you’re afraid they’ll change their mind & jilt you, or because they’ll turn into a horrible person & destroy you?
However, I’m not afraid of the idea of spending my life with someone. I know I’ll spend the rest of my life with my partner. There is no one else for me. He understands me in ways no one else does, is good to me & makes great efforts to make me happy. We’ve talked at length about our future & while we’re in no rush, we’ve half decided on a timeframe for us to move in together, blend our families, etc. I still stress how I’m not ready right now & our right now works with our jobs, our comfort level, et al, but I know when the time is right, I could take those steps with him. But making it legal? I panic. I’m not big on weddings, or holy matrimony. He’s not either. We could live in sin & be happy.
But our children have made it clear that they want us to get married (not all of them, my middle daughter thinks everyone should be crazy cat people).
My eldest has wanted to marry us off for YEARS. She has a book of wedding plans & a Pinterest board dedicated to my wedding. My partner’s daughter said if we got married, she’d have two moms & two dads & if we don’t get married, he’d have to marry a monkey. Although I wouldn’t mind seeing the monkey wedding, I don’t see it happening. My best friend even joked with me when I jokingly said I would just ask my boyfriend to marry me on leap day just to shock everyone (which would prompt my oldest daughter to freak out, as if a woman asks on Leap Day, she forefeits the engagement ring) that he’d likely say yes because even if it’s not the right time in this exact second, that’s what he wants in the end, after a long engagement (PS this will not be happening, because everything about that would be horrifying). So, I find myself wondering if my fear of matrimony is actually holding me back.
A lot of people would say getting married for the sake of one’s children is stupid. Maybe it is. But Brad & Angelina made it legal last year for that reason; their eldest children (Maddox, Zahara, & Pax) all wanted their parents to be married. My girls (save for one) & his want us to be married. We already know that we’ll spend our lives together. Would adding a legally binding thing to give the kids that feeling of forever really hurt us? He says the kids aren’t in charge (BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA yes they are), but we’ve already established that we’re spending our lives together (as long as we never have to get married because MH doesn’t do matrimony). They want us to get married, much like the Jolie-Pitt kids wanted their parents to get married. Maybe I need to think about what will make the whole family happy, not just my own internal terror. After all, would two rings & a piece of paper really upset the apple cart that much?
It could. It could so much.
But I’m not there yet. Marriage still represents awful things to me. I’m still afraid that the second we sign a marriage license, my sweet, thoughtful, caring boyfriend who dotes on me & works with me to build a lovely life together will become an evil dictator who will want to control & suffocate me. I’m afraid it’ll fail. I’m afraid I’ll be a sucky wife & I am the reason that every man I’ve been in a serious relationship with (except the current one) is an abusive psychopath. I’m barely sure I’m willing to move in with someone, buy a house, etc because what if we take that step & I get hurt again? I’m not sure I will ever be ready to consider any of it. But maybe I’ll have to consider it down the road.
Until then, if anyone needs me, I’ll be breathing in a bag, having some kind of panic attack.